You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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