guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
