No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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