I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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