My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I faked an abortion last night.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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