oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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