im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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