I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
