Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
