im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
