I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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