New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
