I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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