Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
