WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
