this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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