I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
