Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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