You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
