I showed him my bush... on skype.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
