got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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