new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
