The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
