This is not my ceiling
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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