I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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