sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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