she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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