so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
