i just sent this text using only my big toe
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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