remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
