a queef is a wish your heart makes.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
