I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You may now shotgun with the bride
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I did not marry a roomba.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
