I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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