You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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