I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
