My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
