i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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