WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
My dick has a subreddit
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
