thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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