I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
