He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
