genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
