So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
