it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
