when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
