You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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