I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
