i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
