How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
