How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
