Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
